Forever

I wrote Forever a while back, thinking of the many loves that I have lost throughout my life. I wrote this poem thinking of the perspective of the one who has passed. Interestingly, while looking over this poem today, my own perspective came into focus. I wonder, is this how I am seen from the other side? About eight months ago I had a very powerful dream, or premonition. Everything was in it’s place and seemed to be played out in real time, and that was when I first realized I had cancer again, and this is what would bring my time to its end. I saw myself in the mirror in my room, and as I walked by, I gazed at myself and realized I was dying. My body was thin and frail, and the first thought that came to me was a very matter of fact thought “Oh, I have cancer and I’m dying”. I was not alarmed by what I saw in the mirror, nor the thought that came with it. It felt very much like a calm notification of what was to be. My mom and dad came to me in this dream, even though they passed many, many years ago. They stood in the corner of my room as I lay back down to rest in my bed, and I was the only one that could see them. They came to help me find my way away from this world. Their presence was reassuring, and calm. My diagnosis didn’t come until six months later, after this dream. Even with my doctors’ reassurance that I was fine during those six months, I knew what I knew, and I was right. I hope that you find some solace in this poem. It meant a lot to me to write it, and I believe it………

I came by your bed last night as I saw you weep,
I whispered I love you, as I wiped a tear from your cheek,
I laid my face against your hand, a caress I tried to steal,
My heart in your hand is what I wanted you to feel.
Do you see me in your dreams my darling, my love, my friend?
I have never left, and I am here with you until the very end.
I walk with you each morning, my memories never leave,
I remember you loving and holding me, but now time makes us grieve.
I follow you throughout each day, I see your wilted hands,
Your tired face and broken heart is more than I can stand.
You sat alone by my grave, stooped and very stark,
Please know I am not alone, or without you in the dark,
As we walked together home this night,
I saw you scurry to find the light.
Do you hear me my love? Do you feel me gently touch your knee?
I cry and whimper, and hope you hear my plea.
I will never leave you.  I can never go away,
I will walk beside you every single day.
I hold you in my heart, as I lay with you every still night,
And I watch for your smile, to make this seem all right.
As day folds into night, I long so for your touch,
I long for life, for breath, I miss you so much.
Goodnight my dear, life is large, and there is much for you to see,
So I will follow along until your journey brings you back to me.

Unwell

It was a cold winter’s day when I first heard your name,
You crept into my life, but this was no game.
Like an unwelcome friend, you grabbed me by the hand,
You led me to new paths, my life slipping through the sand.
Lurking for years, unheard and unknown,
Until that cold winter’s day, when I saw you unfold.
A clumsy cell growing wild and free,
My own body trying to do away with me.
The word that rings as deafening thunder,
My will was set, you would not pull me under.
Faces of kindness worried and frenzied,
As my wonder would bring me to remember a life now to be envied.
You stole my innocence, you brought me to my knees.
Would you be my expiration, would you be the end of me?
You took my joy, my confidence, you took my mind,
You left me reaching and yearning as if I was blind.
That cold winter’s day stays in my heart,
Reminders and moments I now wish to empart.
You have filled me with bitter rage, a taste in my mind soul and body,
You have filled me with sadness, and yet now you turn me so oddly.
This rage I have found gave birth to compassion,
My soul has been found with no room for concession.
One step, one foot, standing on each side of a door,
One step, one foot, anchored in the loves I adore.
Take me if you must, tow that ragged line,
But know you cannot take my joy, my love, or this day, but only time.
Each breath I take is still mine to take,
Each moment enscripts as memories are made.
My mind is my own, as my thoughts will always reveal,
I am a soul in a body, and my soul you cannot steal.